High Alert

High Alert

Time has really flown these past few years.  I met the man who would become my husband three years ago.  We started dating and got married almost two years ago, and just a few months ago had our first child.  When people say that a baby changes everything, they mean that a baby turns your whole world upside down and inside out!  Gone are the days of sleeping without interruption, the spontaneous road trip, and the loosely reigned budget.  We’ll get those days back, of course, but for right now, they are no more.

What seems to work best is for us to take turns being up feeding, burping, changing, and rocking…which means that we are no longer up at the same time.  So where does that leave us? Tired, hungry, emotionally drained, and missing each other in the process.  We don’t get to spend the time with each other that we used to.

And that makes us vulnerable to attack.  I didn’t used to see it coming, but now I do.  It never fails.

Whenever we plan to do something fun together, something else happens to disrupt it.  Because we are already tired and worn down, we argue and get our feelings hurt and suddenly our fun time is on the edge of being ruined.  We are faced with a choice: get huffy and disengage? Or push through and keep going?

Ever experienced something similar in your marriage?

It’s no coincidence that things happen this way.  The Bible says that the enemy is like a lion, who prowls around looking for someone to devour, so we are to be self controlled and on alert (1 Pet 5:8).  Think about it.  Lions don’t go after the strongest in the herd.  They go after the weakest…because they are easy prey.

Life is always going to throw us curve balls.  Nothing is always going to go as planned.  When we are at the top of our game, we’re more likely to handle not getting our way with a gracious attitude.  But when we are at our weakest, we are just as likely to respond poorly.  We MUST be on the alert at all times.  Especially when we are tired, we can’t let up.  We must choose to respond with Christ-likeness or else the enemy wins.

I can say that since I’ve been more aware of how I respond, my marriage has been a happier one.  I cherish those late night whispered (‘cause the baby is finally asleep and we don’t want to wake him up) conversations.  We’ve even learned how to laugh quietly!  But we will still have to stay on high alert, watching for any opportunity the enemy might take to separate us.

Love is patient…

I am almost willing to bet that at your wedding someone read something from 1 Corinthians 13.  The Love Chapter.  It goes like this, “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”  
Ah, those infamous words; “Love never fails.”  It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?  We probably all went into our marriages with some kind of expectation about this verse and our spouse; probably a rather lofty expectation.  But let me guess, it did fail.  Am I right?  It may even continue to fail daily at your home.  This failure of love may be driving you and your spouse further and further apart towards a really scary area you never thought your marriage would enter.  So, do we just throw that verse out and say, “That is just pie in the sky stuff.”?   “We already blew that!”?   “That verse doesn’t apply to us.”?  
I believe with everything in me we don’t have to throw that verse out.  I want to ask you to bear with me through this blog.  I would like to walk through the above Scripture, piece by piece, to really look at what all of it looks like in our lives and how we can work towards expressing, and receiving, love that never fails.  
1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind.
 
My uncle James was born in 1958 with Down’s syndrome.  This was during a time that if you had a child born with some kind of disorder, you gave him to the state or to a special hospital to raise them.  No one raised their children with Downs or mental retardations.  They were considered strange, difficult, and even dangerous.  They were freaks.  My grandparents disagreed.  They chose to keep James with them and to raise him themselves.  There were many hard times ahead of them, and they knew it.  Times when he was learning to talk, but it was too difficult to understand him, even though he had no clue what he was saying wasn’t getting through.  Times when playing in the neighborhood with other children got hard.  You know how cruel children are to one another.  The scorn and ridicule he had to go through, and my grandparents had to watch, while people were telling them to just put him in a home.  Times when my grandparents would send James to camp and the leaders of the camp were found yelling, berating and abusing the children with disabilities.  Then, my grandparents would have to try to explain why these people were doing that to James.  My grandparents eventually would have to talk with James and try to explain to him why he was different from the other children.
 
Now, James lives with my sister and brother-in-law.  Yes, there is money to send him to a home.  But there was a decision made to keep him at home with them.  There are times, as he is now going deaf, when Amy and Mike have to balance their frustrations with love.  Times, when due to his physical disabilities, illness is harder on James.  Times when my nephews must explain to their friends what is wrong with James.  There are many, many difficult times.  Yes, these times are seen as a challenge, but they are also seen just something that must be done.  This is the only thing to do.  Why?  Because that is love that is patient and kind.  True love loves when it’s hard.  True love loves when the world thinks you are crazy.  True love loves when everything in you tells you to run away.  
 
Sometimes it is difficult to love my wife.  She does things that irritate me.  She does things differently than I would do them.  She responds poorly to me at times.  You know what?  She would say the same about me.  You know what else?  We are trying to make a choice to love one another through those things, in spite of those things, in the face of those things.  It is a choice.  Not a one-time choice, but a continual choosing.  Love that is patient is built over time and a kindness that results from a process, not just an act of kindness.  This love speaks of multiple attempts to learn and grow, to fail and succeed.  It is about making a choice to react how God would have us to react when things confront us and AS things confront us.  This is not easy, but this is what we must choose to do if we want to give, and receive, love that is patient and kind.
“It does not envy…”
What happens when we don’t get our way?  What happens when that co-worker, who we know does not deserve, gets a raise or recognition or even the promotion we would like?  What happens when we are serving in the church and someone else gets the praise for something we did?  What happens when we are the center of our spouse’s attention and focus life comes along and takes that attention from us?  We get jealous don’t we?  
 
It is fine to desire the raise or our spouse’s attention, but when we don’t get our way what do our actions and thoughts show?  Do we act out of self-interest to try to get our desired place in that person’s life?  Do we try to wiggle our way into that spot because we can’t, or couldn’t, get that spot legitimately?  We should be looking out for the interest of others.  This is a choice that we have, our responsibility, each time we are faced with an opportunity to be envious or jealous.  Contrary to my thinking, this world wound NOT run better if it was all done my way and by my desires.  There are going to be times I need to “die” to these things and GET OVER THEM!
 
“…it does not boast…”
Boasting, or bragging, comes directly out of conceit.  Conceit is normally a defense mechanism because of a fear that we will not measure up.  Another translation of this text says “parading oneself.”
 
Are you a very opinionated person?  Do you speak up and share your opinions often, even when not asked?  If someone does not agree with your opinions, do you get upset or pout?  This is parading yourself.  This is boasting and saying, “My thoughts are the standard of truth.  If something is against this you are wrong.”  This is a defense mechanism.  You are telling yourself that you are not going to accept anything against what you have already come up with.  Why won’t you?  Because to do this means you would have to admit you were wrong and you cannot handle that.  It comes from a deep insecurity that you will not measure up.  What kind of love does that show?  This is telling them that you care so little about them that protecting your insecurity is more important than them and the truth that they may possess.  Also, look backwards at our text.  Often times this boasting will lead to envy and eventually to love that does not have a very long leash.  I know, this one hurts.  
 
Another way we tend to boast or parade ourselves around is in the fronts we put up.  If you run in to me most any day, I will tell you how well I am doing and how great and happy my marriage is.  I will even lead my wife on to tell her how well work is going or how happy I am.  What I am really doing is putting up a front.  I am putting up a front because if not, that might show that I am not “measuring up.”  Is that showing love to others though?  How does that make the person who I’m lying to feel?  You know, they are hurting and might just be looking for someone else who is hurting, just to know that it is ok.  Just to know that they are normal.  Maybe my wife needs to know that I am normal and that I don’t have it all together.  Maybe she is struggling and needs to know that I can sympathize with where she is.  It is a good thing for others to know that I don’t have it all together.  Letting others know that and being willing to let down your guard loves them in a way that is looking out for them, not ourselves.  
 
When we are not consumed with parading ourselves around to let others, and ourselves, know we measure up, we are free to concentrate on what other people need.  Also, we are freed up to receive love from folks who truly want to love us for who we are.
 
“…it is not proud.”  
Another translation of this is to be “puffed up.”  When we take ourselves too seriously, we become arrogant, proud, or puffed up.  
Think of a rooster.  What is he doing when he swells his chest out?  He is making himself look bigger.  He is putting up a defense against an outsider.  Have you ever seen two guys who were about to get into a fight who actually didn’t want to fight?  What do they do?  Chest swells up.  They are trying to make themselves look tougher than they are.  They are putting up a defense from looking weak.  Normally, if we are puffing ourselves up, it is because we are putting up a defense from looking weak in a certain area.  
 
I do this when Kathryn disagrees with me or wants to do things differently.  I take it as an attack on me or that I am wrong.  So, what do I do?  I puff my chest out and make sure she knows who the smarter one is!  I talk in ways to make sure she knows of my past victories and how wise I was.  I’m like a rooster.  I need to be honest with myself though.  I need to ask myself a tough question.  “Why do I feel the need to be right all the time?”  If I can be real honest with myself here, and then be honest with her, I am taking the right steps to loving her in a way that is not proud.  
 
“It is not rude…”
This means to not act rude or behave rudely.  Man, I have a tough time with this.  What was modeled for me growing up, and also through some teachers and bosses, is to react in a rude manner.  Do you know what I have learned over the last several years?  It is never ok to react rudely.  Never.  It doesn’t matter how long it takes the waitress to bring me a refill.  It doesn’t matter how long I am on hold.  It doesn’t matter how ridiculous I feel someone is acting.  It doesn’t matter what Kathryn has done to me.  I am in control of how I react.  Just like I make a choice of which shoes to wear, I make a choice on how I react.  I am good with words and know how to use them and say them.  I can cut deep with my words.  It is never ok for me to do that.  As a Christian, I must practice self-control on how I behave and how I react in every circumstance.  This truly loves people, even when they are difficult to love.
 
“…it is not self-seeking…”
This word “seek” or “insist” is speaking to a continuous search, striving towards something.  It is telling us to not continually go after our own ways and what we want and desire.   In marriage, and Christian life, my “seeking” should always be for the benefit of the other person.  
 
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
 
I don’t like this though.  I like to be comfortable.  I like to have my way.  I like to do the things I want to do.  Kathryn’s way doesn’t always line up with my plans.  To consider Kathryn, or someone else, better than me means I might have to “suffer” so I can serve her.  
 
I like my ways though.  I would never call them “selfish ambition or vain conceit”, but I do like my ways.  Want to know what I tend to do?  I will manipulate a conversation or an argument, at just about any costs, to get my way.  To not put the other person first.  My ambition is selfish and I am FULL of vain conceit.  It is difficult, but we must discipline to pursue others people’s desires, and not our own.
 
“…it is not easily angered…”
When I am telling and someone, especially Kathryn, interrupts me, dadgum it gets under my skin!  Here I am, running along with my story, feeling good, then someone jumps in with something that has nothing to do with what I am talking about or they want to add something to it…just sit there and listen!!!  
 
What gets you all riled up?  Does it matter?  Seriously.  Does what gets your blood boiling really matter?  Do these things cause us to react inappropriately?  Yes, some things will always get under our skin, but we need to find out why, and make sure we have control over how we react to those things.  When we ask ourselves why we get upset over something so easily, we will probably find that it is something we just need to get over and move past.  I have found that very few things are worth getting worked up over, and my being interrupted isn’t one of them.
 
“…it keeps no record of wrongs.”
This sounds horrible, but I will put a value on people.  Based off of what they have done “against me”, I will put a value on them.  If someone who has never done anything against me wrongs me in some way, I get over it rather quickly.  But if someone who has wronged me in several times wrongs me again, I strike back, I won’t forgive, and I will even remove myself from them.  
 
Sure, we should protect ourselves from those who are causing deep wounds in our lives, but most people only slightly offend me or cross me, but I hold that over their heads as long as I am associated with them.  What I am doing is keeping score.  There is nothing Christ-like about these actions though.  We should give someone the benefit of the doubt.  We should remember that we have let people down before just like that person has let us down.  The Bible teaches us to forgive others, just as Christ has forgiven us.  
 
“Love does not delight in evil…”
When I am at my worst, I will take some kind of sick joy out of seeing someone who has wronged me, being punished, or living away from Christ.  We cannot be happy when someone messes up and in the back of our minds we are happy, because now that elevates us over them or that gives us a reason to think less of them.  
 
Also, we should not rejoice in iniquity when someone gets away with doing wrong.  We have a mindset at times that when someone gets away with not paying all of their taxes or they break some law and are not caught that this person has “won” in some way.  This does not love them, this is enabling them.  
 
“…but rejoices with the truth.”
Love that does not fail celebrates truth.  Not all truth seems fun.  When I look in the mirror in the mornings, the reflection I see is true, but I don’t like it.  What it does though is show me what I need to work on.  My hair, my weight, etc.  God’s Word is like a mirror for our lives.  I may not like what it shows me, but the reflection I see is true.  It shows me what I need to work on.  My reactions, my servant’s heart, etc.  Is it fun seeing these things?  Does it make me want to rejoice?  No.  But if I never see what is wrong I can never work to make it right.  Now, I can rejoice in that.  Whether I like it or not, the truth is the truth.  I should rejoice in it.  
 
“It always protects…”
Sometimes to best way we can show love to someone is to protect them.  People are going to mess up.  They are going to get caught and they are going to be punished in some way; guilt, legally, financially, etc.  Most of the time that person doesn’t need me to continue pointing out their folly.  What they need is someone to protect while they are righting what was wrong.  It’s tough.  I may even have to take some of their flack for them, but love that never fails protects those it is pointing towards.
 
“…always trusts…”
Before I ever met my wife I had heard of her.  I had heard of this godly, good looking, girl who had lost her dad when she was young and her mother had died very recently from a difficult bout with cancer.  I remember thinking, “That is someone who deserves to never be hurt again.”  I later met that girl and now we are married.  I have hurt and wounded her in so many ways.  I’m selfish.  I’m hard headed.  I can be a jerk.  Guess what.  She still trusts me.  Even though I have hurt her and will continue to hurt her, she trusts me.  You want to know why?  She loves me with love that never fails.  She isn’t foolish; she is obedient to God’s Word.  She trusts me.
 
“…always hopes…”
My wife and I have only been married about 18 months.  We are still working out the kinks.  We don’t have the marriage we had pictured when we first started talking about marriage.  But we believe with everything in us that we will.  We have hope.  Hope is not wishful thinking.  Hope is a confident expectation in a future reality.  Even though we don’t know what it will look like or even exactly how to get there, we know that we will.  We have hope.
 
“…always perseveres.”
I made a joke early in our marriage that I was going to divorce Kathryn if something didn’t go my way.  It was a complete joke and I meant nothing by it and she knew that.  The joke didn’t go over well though, and it shouldn’t have.  I believe that is the last time the D word was used about our marriage.  The D word is not allowed in our home.  D is not an option.  Do I know your circumstances?  No.  I do know that Christ is bigger than your circumstances and I know that Christ is bigger than any circumstances Kathryn and I will ever face.  Our love will persevere and will not give up on the other one.
 
“Love never fails.”
This is the same phrase as what we began with.  Love is patient.  They are bookends with a beautiful explanation of what we will face and how we should, and shouldn’t, handle things so that, our love will not fail.
The application of what I have written about above can be summed up in a few Bible verses.
 
First and foremost:
John 15:5 apart from me (Christ) you can do nothing.
Then:
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Then:
Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
 
My marriage, relationships, work, play, and every other area of my life are never about me.  They are first and foremost about Christ.  After that, they are about drawing others closer to Christ.  That means my happiness and comfort should not even be thoughts.  Christ came to this earth not as a king, but as a servant.  This is the model we should follow, no matter how difficult it may be.  He set the example for us by His love never failing.  We should set the example for our spouses and others in our lives by striving for our love to never fail.  
 
Thank you, Kathryn, for following His example and setting that example for me.

A Reminder to Remain Faithful

It seems like I need reminders for just about everything in my life. My phone chimes to remind me of my next meeting. My calendar reminds me of son’s birthdays. The alarm on my oven reminds me every half hour to take our new puppy outside to go to the bathroom. And thankfully, my wife, Susan, reminds me of everything else!

Likewise, the Bible serves as a reminder that we are to remain faithful in our marriage. I’d like to point out three biblical reminders.

First, remain faithful to your spouse because your marriage is a covenant relationship. Proverbs 2:17 is one of two places in the Bible where the marriage is titled a covenant of God. A covenant is a specific kind of relationship between persons that is characterized by a mutual obligation. The greatest demonstration of commitment to a covenant is God’s faithfulness to His people seen throughout the Old Testament.

When God made a covenant it was a promise forever. However, over a dozen times in scripture, God had to remind His people to remember His covenant with them. As husbands and wives we are to remember to remain faithful to the covenant vows that we made to each other and to God on our wedding day.

Second, remain faithful to your spouse because your marriage displays unity in the family of God. Malachi 2:10-16, states that just as unity is hurt when a nation breaks faith with God, so is unity hurt when a husband breaks faith with his wife. Not remaining faithful to my wife would hurt the unity of my family, which would hurt the unity of our church, which is the body of Christ. This is why God hates divorce, because it breaks faith and hurts unity. So remain faithful to your spouse!

Finally, remain faithful to your spouse so that others will believe in Christ. John 17:20-21 indicates that Jesus wanted unity among all believers so that the world may believe in Him. So how Christians relate to one another, especially in marriage, is watched by an unbelieving world. So, Jesus wants unity among believers to be patterned in the church.

Today, our churches are made up largely of families. As families experience unity so will the church. Then a watching world sees the unity, which results in people believing in Christ. Anything that breaks that unity, such as marital unfaithfulness, is seen by an outside world and hurts the advancement of the gospel. So for the sake of the gospel, remain faithful to your marriage!

Well, I am grateful for my phone, my calendar, the alarm on my oven, and for my wife that all help remind me of things. I am most thankful for the Bible that reminds me to remain faithful in my marriage to Susan.

-Tim Shelton

Are You Connected???

Are you connected?

For many of us busy life happens and when we look up the year is more than half over and we wonder…. where did the time go?   So if you are like me, I decide that something has to give.  Unfortunately for many of us, the time that we give up is the time with our spouse.  I mean, we are committed to our job, we committed to a ball team, we committed to that Bible study, other people are counting on us so we have to fulfill that obligation… right?  Well, what about the commitment that we made to our spouse, the pledge that we made?  Isn’t that an obligation that we need to fulfill also?

Often times we over commit ourselves on so many different levels that we when we have to give something up, our family time is the first thing to go.  I think for many this it is an unconscious act; we fill our day so full that we turn around and have no idea what is going on in the life of our spouse.  Maybe they say something that catches us off guard, something that you have no idea about, but think that you should know.  Maybe someone else is experiencing some of the things that you are supposed to experience with your spouse; celebrate that promotion, hear about the bad day, be the shoulder that is cried on, or be the first person that they want to tell about small victories a day can bring.

When we eliminate time with our spouse, whether intentional or unintentional, we cut a line of communication that helps keep our marriage focused and strong.  All of a sudden we start having marriage issues and we wonder where we went wrong.  For many, they went wrong when they made everything else in their life a higher priority.  We gave up that valuable time with our spouse that we truly couldn’t afford to give up.

When was the last time that you went on a date night with your spouse?  Now, I’m not talking an event where there were 30 or 40 other people, but a one-on-one date night.  Where cell phones are put away, emails are not answered, and children are not hanging on your leg or banging on the door screaming – “what’s happening in there!”

Many times we may say that we are connected to our spouse simply because we “do” lots of stuff together; play sports, go to events, shuffle kids around, text, email daily, or collapse in the same bed at  night.  But these don’t keep us truly connected and knowing what is going on in their life.  As young couples, we must make our spouse, and the time that we spend with them, a high priority.  We must stay involved in their life, know what is going on, show them that we care, and show them that everything else is not as important as the commitment that we made to them.

Ways to stay connected

• When riding in the car, talk to each other – don’t use cell phones, text, or email
• Have dessert after an event where there were a lot of people – take 20 minutes to talk about the event, who was there, how it went, etc.
• Feed the kids something simple for dinner, but the two of you wait and eat after the kids go to bed
• Instead of meeting co-workers for lunch every day, set up a weekly lunch date with your spouse
• Set up a couple of times during the week to hang out and talk about your days; after the kids are in bed, the first 20 minutes after you get home from work, after your favorite show ends, anytime that works for your schedules
• Talk about your day, how it went, who made you mad, who made you laugh, victories that you had, games that you played, how the kids did at school, how school is going for you, financial goals for your family, strengths and weakness in your marriage
• Set up weekly date nights – this is just anytime that the two of you plan to spend time together.  This does not have to be expensive or elaborate, but intentional time spent together.

I know, it sounds easy right?  We’ll just make more time for each other, give our marriage the time and attention that is deserves. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.  This type of effort takes commitment and dedication…. but isn’t your spouse worth it?  Of course they are!  You pledged to love them “as long as you both shall live”.  So as you make plans to be more intentional with your time, stick to the decisions that you make, don’t let other things slip into that lunch slot, or another TV show take the place of talking with your spouse at night.  Hold the time that you spend together as sacred and special, letting your spouse know the priority that they are to you.  Happy dating!!!

Selfish…

I remember several years ago, Amy came to me and asked if she could go out with some friends for a day of shopping and other girl stuff.  At that time our boys were very little and required a lot of attention.  My first thought when Amy asked for this time away was, “Crap, that means I’ll have the boys all day, all by myself!”  Then it hit me!  I had a revelation!! I thought, if she gets her day, then that means I get my day!  So, what she heard was her sweet loving husband say was, “sure, baby, you can go out with your friends, and I hope y’all have a great time!”  It wasn’t until later that day that I realized that my outlook was totally selfish.

Selfishness is a constant battle that we face everyday.  We are wired this way; think about that for a moment, we are made to look out for ourselves.  As we are growing up, and becoming adults, our lives are truly centered on what we want.  After high school, it’s our college, our career, and our agenda.  We go where we want, when we want, and do what we want.  Well that’s all well and good, until we meet the person we want to marry, and we mix n their wants!  But maybe even for a short time after the “I do’s”, we are still doing things our own way, but one day something changes.  All of a sudden your spouse doesn’t respond so pleasantly when you inform them that you are going hunting, or shopping with your mom, or golfing, or whatever your next “me time” entails. They in turn, lash out with some “what about me’s”?  See, there it is, one of the biggest problems in marriage (in my opinion) is two selves battling to be the center self.

God’s design for love looks nothing like this.  He tells us in Genesis, in the 2^nd chapter that the husband and wife are to leave their mother and father and the two are to become one flesh.  So, here we are, stuck between my wants, my desires, my wishes, and the fact that I am supposed to be one flesh with this other selfish jerk/haint!  What do we do?

My suggestion is to look at how God tells us to love.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us a little about God’s love.

“⁴Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

⁶does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸Love never fails;” NASB (emphasis mine in bold)

We often hear these verses read at weddings, or in church, but do we ever take time to break them down, one phrase at a time.  Love is patient…are you?  Love is kind…how could you be more kind to your spouse?  Do you constantly bring up things from the past?  Do you brag, do you act rude?  Now (the one that hammers on me the hardest) are you self-seeking?

If we truly want a successful, happy marriage, it takes work.  It takes forgetting self, and learning to love God’s way, the selfless way.  This teacher of love is the same God who gave up His son to die for you and for me!  I think He knows a little about love!  He gives us the recipe for success; the trick is to learn to use His instructions, especially in our time of need.

Learn to look at life through your spouse’s eyes.  What would they like to do tonight, what would they like for dinner, what would they like to do this weekend, what would they like to watch on TV (okay, maybe that last one was a little too far, but you get the idea!)

It’s not easy forgetting self, but with practice I’m sure you will see improvements over time.  Now, here is your assignment should you choose to accept.

Application:  Ask your spouse to list ways you are; selfish, rude, jealous, and arrogant.  Then compile a list of ways that you can become more patient, kind and more forgiving.  Share these list with them and hopefully showing these to your spouse will inspire them to do some self-examination as well.

“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.  An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent!”

Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss

Most of us know these famous words from our childhood reading.  Horton’s slightly misguided but well intentioned dedication makes us smile.  If you’re reading this, it means you’ve dedicated yourself to another person and took your vows to your mate and before God very seriously.  As Mike Cornelius said recently at Soul Mate Live, your WORDS of commitment don’t make you a husband or wife.  It is actually taking ACTION on those words that make you a GOOD husband or wife.

Here are some practical tips on how to build your marriage by backing up your words with actions:

• If there is an area of your marriage that you both agree is lacking (e.g., finances, parenting, spiritual discipline, etc.), go online and research different ways you could improve in that area as a couple.  Then, plan some time together to discuss the different options.  Try to find inexpensive ways to improve first, such as free online articles and community or church classes.  For “bonus points” with your mate, research first areas that your mate feels you both are lacking, but you really don’t.  This communicates that you are more interested in their opinion above your own.
• When expectations are missed, avoid making “you” statements (e.g., “This wouldn’t have happened if YOU had given me the right directions!”).  It is hard to build daily trust when you are attacking your mate for their part in the miscommunication.  Take ownership for YOUR part, and let God work on them.
• Take your commitments involving emotional or physical intimacy VERY, VERY, VERY seriously!  Unlike forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning, forgetting a promise of planned intimacy sends a message to your mate that you devalue the importance of intimacy with them or are not attracted to them.  This may not be how you feel, but it is how THEY will perceive it.
• Pick a task in your home that you know your mate hates, and perform that task without being asked.  You don’t have to do the chore every time, but simply doing one of these tasks periodically communicates that you are committed – through action – to your relationship long-term.
• Have a couple of very close people in your life (of the same sex) to hold you accountable in areas that you struggle being committed in action.  If you tend to forget important dates that are important to your mate – anniversaries, birthdays, etc. – ask one or two of your most organized friends to put your dates on their calendar to help you remember.  If your mate requires tons of affirming words as a sign of love, ask a friend or accountability partner to email you weekly reminding you to speak lovingly to your mate (and maybe offering helpful tips).
• Be careful not to change or break commitments to your mate in favor of friends and extended family members.  Many newly married husbands and wives struggle maintaining life-long commitments to their parents and siblings while building a new life with their mate.  Carefully talk through these family and friend connections early out and commit that you will not forsake your new and first love relationship for others.

We say we believe in God.  We pray and ask Him for help when we are in trouble, but then we deny Him by not believing He has the power to help us grow.  Be sure to include God in your commitments to your mate.  He wants your relationship to succeed and has the knowledge to help you achieve that success.

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge….. Proverbs 1:7

Welcome!

Welcome to the Soul Mate Live Blog! We are so blessed and excited to have the opportunity to stay connected with you in between events.  Please feel free to jump in and ask questions, send us your comments, or just read our monthly posts.

We look forward to hearing from you!

The Soul Mate Live Team